Week at a Health Club

ONE MAN'S STORY...
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrongwith you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into aregular workout routine.

Dear Diary:For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 yearsago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worthit when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. Shewas something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and adazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made itall worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try tosteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning, and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated anyother human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a vasectomy.




hmm...just when i was thinking about working out today, God sends me a sign :)

Quack, Quack, Quack??

Here's a little joke to brighten up your day. Courtesy of all the farkin Israel Kamakawiwoole songs Ive had to listen to while Vinnie was here. LoL! Enjoy.....

So had these 3 ducks yeah....they got busted and had to go to court. The first one appears before the judge and the judge says, "Okay state your name and tell me how come you're here". First duck says, "Oh my name is Quack". Judge says, "K why you here foa?" (Dont mind da pidgin, dis one Hawaiian joke brah!) Quack says, "I got caught blowing bubbles in the pond". Judge sentenced him to 6 months.

Next duck comes along and the judge tells him, "K tell me your name and how come you stay". Second duck says, "Oh my name is Quack-Quack and I got busted blowing bubbles in the pond." Judge says, "Okay same ting as da oddah guy, you get 6 months too."

Third duck comes along and the judge says, "No tell me your name is Quack-Quack-Quack." Third duck says, "No. I'm Bubbles."



:) Good day to you my friends

Hawaiian Style Christmas Story

Was da night beefo' Christmas, and all ova' da place,
Not even da geckos was showin' dea face.

Da stockings was hangin' on top da TV
(Cause no mo' fireplace in Hawai'i)

Da kids stay all crashed, my old man too.
They leave all da work for you-know-who.

So me, I stay pickin' up alla their toys,
When - boom! - outside get only big noise!

I run to da window, I open 'em up,
I stick out my head and I yell, "Eh! Whassup?!"

And then, I no can ba-lieve what I seen!
Was so unreal, you know what I mean?

This fat haole guy get his reindeers in my yard!
And reindeers not housebroken, you know, as' why hard!

But nemmind - this Christmas, so I cut 'em some slack.
Plus, had uku pile presents pokin' outta his sack!

So I wait 'till he pau tie up his reindeer,
Then I yell out da window, "Hui! Brah, ova hea!"

An' I tell 'em first thing, when I open da door,
"Eh, hemo your shoes! You going dirty my floor!"

After he take off his boots, he tell, "You know who I am?"
I go, "Ho! From the smell, must be Mr. Toe Jam!"

He make mempachi eyes and he go, "Ho, ho, ho!"
By now, I stay thinking this guy small kind lolo!

He look like my Tutu, but little less weight,
And his beard stay so white, mo' white than shark bait!

He stay all in red, specially his nose,
And get reindeer spit on top his nice clothes!

But him, he no care; he just smile at me,
And he start fo' put presents unda-neath da tree.

I tell 'em, "Eh, brah, no need make li'dat,
And watch where you step! You going ma-ke da cat!"

Then, out from his bag, he pull one brand new computah,
Choke video games, and one motorized scootah!

He try for fill up da Christmas socks too,
But had so much pukas, all da stuff went fall troo.

When he pau, I tell 'em, "Eh Santa, try wait!
I get plenty leftovahs, I go make you one plate!"

But he nevah like hang, he had so much fo' do;
Gotta make all them small kids' wishes come true.

So I wave 'em goodbye, and I flash 'em da shaka,
And I yell at him, "Mele Kalikimaka!"

When he hear that, he stop...and I telling you true,
He go, "Garans ball-barans! Merry Christmas to you!"

Quickie...

I have thirty minutes before i have to get my muli to work and figure out what the fizzle I am gonna teach in my art class today. Mostly 5 year olds. I hate this class. Holiday crafts. Thanksgiving is comin up...I can make them make pilgrim hats and indian headbands and then teach them about the REAL thanksgiving where Columbus exploited the Native Americans and how he wasnt really the first to discover the Americas. But God Bless our Country!!

I have to chaperone the field trip tonight to Fun Factory (an arcade at the mall) and Ice Palace (skating rink). OH how fun.....you'll find me shopping and dragging some kids around with me so it looks like Im working. And if anybody ever so much as THINKS about calling me "mom".....it's ovah! Their ass be on time-out and not allowed to do shiet forever!

Dan's in D.C. Playing Rugby for the weekend. He's been getting some offers so far. We'll have to wait and see.

I feel fat.......what else is new?!?!

I can barely type with my French Acrylic nails. Stob yoa jealous! Im going to a wedding tomorrow. Two friends I went to high school with. The girl's family is old friends with my mom's family. Its gonna be a freakin high school reunion. BUt I still wanna see it. Do research for my Big Fat Samoan Wedding :P

Christmas is comin up.....I have no idea what to get Dan and my grandma. Everybody else gotta wait til I get a REAL job. I may have been working a lot...but you should see my bills! Grrrr.

My sister's family's house in Vaitele is almost done. Shes really excited. Im happy for her and her mom. Plus, Im hoping I get to meet up with her in Samunda to help her christen the place next year! PAAAARRRRRRRRR-TAY!

Random Question: If more than one goose is "geese", then how come more than one moose isnt "meese"? Hmmm....fink aboudid!

Okay....I'm out. Love, Peace and Chicken Grease!! Blog on!

Brain Matter

Okay so starting yesterday, my boss at the Park is on temporary assignment for his boss who is at this very moment having brain surgery. By the way, if he's on temporary assignment, it means I act as temporary boss when hes not in the office! Hoh! Not glamourous or anything to be proud of, but hey....i like the sound of being the boss. LoL.

So back to the point....his boss is having brain surgery today and she expects to be back to work in 2 weeks. TWO WEEKS! If I were to even have a tooth pulled out, I would be out for a month. Homegurl is going to have her head cut open and she plans to be back in 2 weeks. And hows this? She has a benign non-cancerous tumor in her brain right in her right temple. Very unusual and it causes her ear to ring constantly so she's having it removed. The Surgeon told her he's never done that sort of procedure, NOBODY on the entire ISLAND of OAHU has ever done that procedure before! And homegurl still expects to be back to work in two weeks!

Pray for her please.


I watch too much friggin Grey's Anatomy.

Fink Aboud id!!

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free. Here's an update for you:
Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Men are like....
1. Men are like Laxatives ......
They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like Bananas .......
The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather .......
Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders ......
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars ....
Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials .......
You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores .....
Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like Government Bonds .....
They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like Mascara ....
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn ....
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms ....
You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like Lava Lamps ....
Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots ....
All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Earthquake

I know Im humungous, but I didnt cause the earthquake, I promise!!!

They say its the first big earthquake to hit the state in about 20 years. A whopping 6.6 on the Richter scale, this one put the entire state of Hawaii (all 7 islands) in crisis mode. I didnt even know it was an earthquake at first, only because I was driving back home from taking Dan to work. It was raining like crazy and there were already heaps of accidents on the road because of the rain...so I was driving miss daisy on the freeway at 45 mph! Hehehe. I was not crash another car and my mama was fuki moy ulu. No fank-it!

So on the way home, my radio dies out, my phone cant make or receive any calls, and Im like.....what tha?!?! Come to find out, all electricity on the entire island of Oahu is down. So Im like, SHIT YEAH! Does this mean I get the day off?!?! But since I cant make any phone calls to check, I have to get ready and go to work anyway, because if I dont show up and we miraculously have generators or somethin, my ass is totally fired. LoL. So I get there and tada! surprise surprise, no electricity in Kapolei either and no bloody generator. Everybody showed up to work, except the cooks! Hows that?! We would have an open restaurant in the middle of a crisis, and nobody to cook da food! Anybody for peanut butter and jelly sandwich with warm milk? That would be $12.95...there's inflation during crises, ya know!

So I get sent home "on-call" in case the electricity comes back on and we need to feed people after they already ran to stores to stock up on rice, spam, and toilet paper. In Hawaii, whenever a hurricane is comin or whatnot, those are the first to go! Cant survive without spam, rice and toilet paper! Ends up the electricity is out for 12 hours!!! From 7 in da morning to 6:30pm. So that meant no tv, computer, oven or stove, fans, anything! I spent the whole day playing scrabble, connect four, reading a book (that ive been trying to finish since may! hahaha loser, I know!) and talking to my family like we all actually like eachother. Haha. What did we do for food ya ask? Well, my grandma made some mean short ribs, teriyaki patties, and rice on da barbecue grill. She watches too much survivor!! Maybe we should send her on there and make her win us a million bucks. Nah....she would prolly be the first to get voted off the island. From trying to manipulate everyone. You know how old Samoan ladies are.....cunniving little women!! Hahahaha.

Anyway, that was my day. And now I feel like Im getting the flu. So Im taking the day off! Hoh! Hehehe. Thank God that nobody got hurt and our house is still in one big ol piece. Prayers go out to the people living on the Big Island where most of the damage occured.

See....I have a heart!!